stream of consciousness...

Words gather then scatter to the winds and I wonder what in the world is worth saying.

For a homeschool writing assignment, I will sometimes ready the kids with a prompt, set a timer and "GO!" There's no stopping the pen for ten minutes or so, just write, write, write until the timer dings. My girls usually beg for more time, the rush of words blowing strong so that they don't want to stop. They can lift their eyes brave and proud to read out loud because I don't look, just listen, and hear them, see them, not their mistakes. Later, we will choose which freewrite to revise and edit. At that point, their spelling and grammar will be tackled but by then their ideas have heart. They are invested and much happier to hammer it out.

Anyway, I am assigning myself similarly. My prompt is a real e-mail I received recently with "What not to say" (when a beloved friend is suffering) in the subject line. Specifically, as our mutual friends tred through the minefield of cancer with their teen son, Thomas.

The last line of my response to her follows:

"The truth is, as long as we are motivated by love, I think it is all we can do. And it is enough."

During our family's trials, we have received such an outpouring of love and grace that to mention the few things that might not have been helpful seems downright irrelevant. Not to mention that I have walked away kicking myself more than a few times for my rather obtuse insensitivity to the pain of others over the years. I certainly am no authority on what not to say! More convinced than ever that love overwhelms all things and covers a multitude of thoughtlessness, I believe love redeems the offenses that curiously accompany greater afflictions.

Still, there is something to note in the fact that Job's friends initially did well to sit silently with him in his sorrow. It was when they opened their mouths that they went askew. Miserable comforters they are called. They compounded the pain, multiplied it even, with their opinions too freely shared. It is enough warning to clasp my hand over my mouth and cry, "Please, Lord, have mercy and shut my mouth!"

It is my experience that loss begets loss. In other words, there are ripple loss effects to the heavyweights. Relational casualties are a sad reality. Perhaps if expectations are harnessed, naivety to pain acknowledged, opinions stemmed, maybe, just maybe there will be one less.

Looking back, aside from Steve and our other two children, who were too young to understand, I struggled to manage the expectations or relational needs around me well, once our son started showing signs of bone marrow failure. We prized the days together like pearls in the hand. I would allow little else to distract the eyes of my heart, apart from the battles that waged upon the soil of my soul. In the hospital and at home, I needed to be fully present with my own. However, with a sick child I dared not leave, a man to hold, children twirling, tugging at my legs, there was never enough of me. Time to myself was also scarce but afforded a safe place to fall apart. The Spirit of God soothed and fed me, strengthening me continually. In the seven months that Caleb endured on a bone marrow unit, I was rarely undivided. Grateful that my parents were with our babies, I still found there to be a pulling -- such a tendency to guilt. One of the greatest gifts others could give me was time and space, void of guilt. Having said that, I don’t mean that I did not genuinely need or want anyone around me. I did! The hard truth is, at times I wanted a particular person present, but not others. It wasn’t a reflection on them and I felt it a kindness when my dear friends could be thankful that there was someone that I wanted or needed, a confidant that was a comfort in the situation --even if it wasn’t them.

Does this sound hard? It is. It all is.

Please hear me, sweet friends. Faith, hope and love. The greatest of these is love. It is more than enough.

pruning season

Is the tree that's pruned
preoccupied with pain?
standing with its wound
in the wind and rain....

gently transfigured
as sap begins to flow
flowers, leaves,
choicest fruit...

How I'd like to know:
Is the tree that's pruned
preoccupied with pain?

by Ruth Bell Graham


I don't know much about tree pruning but now that we live in Oregon, there is plenty of opportunity to learn! An old, gnarled apple tree in the side yard, highly favored by my children, reminds me of a grandmotherly woman surrendering herself knowingly to the seasons. Well acquainted with the shears, maybe she no longer fears them? She must know that fruit will follow in its time.

At times I feel the familiarity of loss, that cold current. Along with it, flows a reassurance of Christ's steadfast presence. I want more of Him. I wouldn't know Him, that He is wholly trustworthy if not for the pain. Do I welcome it? Not quite. But I welcome Him.

love is a secret

In Cry The Beloved Country there is a dialogue between Kumalo, a pastor and father who has lost his son, and his good friend.

“ — This world is full of trouble, umfundisi.
— Who knows it better?
— Yet you believe?
Kumalo looked at him under the light of the lamp. I believe, he said, but I have learned that it is a secret. Pain and suffering, they are a secret. Kindness and love, they are a secret. But I have learned that kindness and love can pay for pain and suffering. There is my wife, and you, my friend, and these people who welcomed me, and the child who is so eager to be with us here in Ndotsheni – so in my suffering I can believe.
— I have never thought that a Christian would be free of suffering, umfundisi. For our Lord suffered. And I come to believe that he suffered, not to save us from suffering, but to teach us how to bear suffering. For he knew that there is no life without suffering.
Kumalo looked at his friend with joy. You are a preacher, he said.”

I first read this book by Alan Paton ten years ago, the year Caleb died, and have re-read these lines several times since. Always I am moved because they have proven so very true. I want to encourage you that your love matters. The selfless kindnesses poured out to a heavy-laden soul, matter.

To me Christ imparts hope in the cloud of thick, choking despair. This is a secret. The love of those in my life has kept the candles lit in the pitch of night. This is a secret.

Of this thing I am certain, this is one secret worth sharing.

on Thomas and experiences shared

(Thomas and little Theo, his brother, in the CO Rockies. We love this young man, our godson.)


I saw a sign once that read, "BE GENTLE. Feelings are everywhere!" And so it is with trepidation but conviction that I pen the thoughts and feelings that mostly lie unvoiced. Thoughts on hardship, loss, and deep grace. A love story really. The story of our lives.

I have been asked a few times over the years what I found helpful (or not) during the times Caleb's marrow failed. What got us through the long trying months on a bone marrow unit. I've been asked how faith survives the loss of a child, how a marriage grows. Steve and I are regularly approached regarding adoption. There are some that wonder what life is like when your child has significant disabilities or medical needs. For years, I've contemplated sharing our life experiences but my attempts have seemed either too puny or my heart laid too exposed. It is much easier to delete or stuff the pieces into the back of my chipped desk drawer!

Very recently, as our dear friends, the Maedas, have had their lives capsized by their son, Thomas's, cancer diagnosis, some of you have thoughtfully asked to glean from our experiences. If you are reading this and don't know them, please pray for them. You can follow Thomas' story at http://shapingheartshome.wordpress.com/

My fierce love for them coupled with the psalmists assertion in Psalm 40,vs.10

"I have not hidden your deliverance within my heart; I have spoken of your faithfulness and your salvation; I have not concealed your steadfast love and your faithfulness from the great congregation."

has become the impetus to write more about the realities, the comforts, the difficulties with you, my friends, that God may be glorified. Likely, the posts will be incremental. The words may be slow in coming, so perhaps one sentence at a time. :)

12 and so sweet

For their twelfth, a fun day downtown with the whole crew (Steve took the day off). OMSI ( Oregon Museum of Science and Industry), coffee from Stumptown (caramel lattes for the birthday girls), Powells City of Books (and cash to spend at their leisure), dinner at The Flying Pie (gluten free pizza that rocks), and ice cream cake at home! Perfect.

waking

I love the toddlerness. Maybe its the wedgie, the hair, her outgrown pjs, or her crazy-loved Bunny. Maybe its that she raced to the window to check on Fred (her snow-friend). Or how she stood, wide hearted and hushed.

And winter's now come fairly

We enjoyed our first snow flurry yesterday and made quite a to-do. Ayisha preferred the view from inside so no pics of her here. Fred, the nut eyed snowboy, has since been checked up on and prayed for faithfully by a chatty three year old. :)

artist's journal

A handmade, hand-sized leather journal for Emma this Christmas is rarely left unattended. Dovetailing nicely, her interest in bookbinding has peaked as she also received an instructional book for 28 handmade books. During our break I have read aloud the Hobbit while the older two usually did some kind of handwork (drew, whittled, crafted). It was all very cozy.

hello

Well, I'm blowing the dust off this old blog space in the hopes that it will offer up a little window into our lives. To my dismay, I am not a faithful corresponder to the many precious friends and family strewn across the globe. You have lovingly asked for pictures and news more regularly and Rambling Views is, at least, part of my answer. I confess that the blogging world --actually the internet, overwhelms me to the point of paralysis. I'll do my best to shake off the perfectionism that strangles the joy of sharing.

Our family is settling into a new season -- new state, new job, new home-- and are slowly, slowly making things our own. We miss our friends, our intimate fellowship, and the ease of familiarity. Still, God's inward work in us has been stirred, kindling a sense of wonder and adventure. It is, of course, a picturesque landscape He has brought us to in the northwest, so I expect to post landscape photos often.

As I sip my morning tea, this ancient Japanese Oak sprawls its flaming scarlet leaves and welcomes me. Isn't it lovely?

Little Miss Busy

Our Spy Summer

This summer, child spies, disguised, stalked the halls. Photos of enemy targets, shoved down over sized apparel while t.p. rolls, rope and tape made up necessary gadgetry. Eight children in one house became the backdrop for almost daily Spy Kids adventures.

It's funny how a household with four children feels oddly quiet after we have enjoyed eight! Jason and Linda (my brother and sister in law), and their classic four were able to stay with us for their summer school-break in the U.S. We laughed, swam, played, exercised (a little), refereed (very little), cooked ethnically, and cleaned every once in a while. Mostly, we just shared life and I am deeply thankful for the opportunities we had to re-kindle relationship. If, when they left, we could have thrown up blockades, we would have! Unfortunately, our high tech gadgets were on the blink on the day of their departure and they are now safely settled in Morocco. We sure miss their faces around here.

My Steve and his "Buhbuh"

I love watching these two interact. Lucia puts up a racket if Steve doesn't give her his attention as soon as he walks in the door. She practically throws herself at him then revs up the belly laugh for his slurpy kisses. Her cocoa eyes follow him around until he looks at her. Bursts of wiggles and squeals ensue! The following pictures don't capture that laughter, but I love how she is looking at him in these. I love that my honey is such a hands on dad. I love it.

How about those eyes!

Okay, so blog negligence is my middle name! Here are a couple of pics I took yesterday. There are so many pics to post and mental conversations I have had with you, dear friends. Things I have wanted to share along the way. It makes me feel "clogged" just thinking about all that I had hoped to post. So, I decided that for today, a couple of pictures would suffice. As soon as I posted them, I showed Emma and Amanda, who said, "Those are cute but not nearly as adorable as she is in person." Yep, it's true! She is the HAPPIEST, most EXPRESSIVE, CHATTY (really, really noisy), down right FUNNY baby EVER! Crazy cuteness!

Lucia & I

Steve posted this picture yesterday while I dove into my soft, feathered bed. The trip was miserably long but Lucia was an absolute sweet cake! I'm a puddle of goo over our happy, adorable baby! I have so much to tell about her, the trip, the orphanage, Ethiopia, the great new friends I made! Somehow it all seems overwhelming to put into words right now. I am so thankful....My cup runneth over and over! Thank you for praying us through this week. I will always look upon my time in Ethiopia with unreserved joy and tenderness. It was priceless to walk off the plane, to see the looks on my family's eager faces, to experience the squeals of love and laughter, the reveling in our newest babers. I can't wait for you all to meet her!

triple scoop (cuz everything comes in threes, right?)

1st) Our daughter, Lucia Josephine, is officially ours and we are hers!!!! Happy, happy, happy!!! Everything sailed through today in Ethiopian courts. Thank you, Lord! In regards to her name, well, we are the worst name "picker-outers" (Is there such a word?)! Add to that our combined stubborn streaks and you end up with either a really, really long name or one that can be said five different ways. Take your pick. Lulu, Josie, Jo, LJ (thinking of you here, Jase). We are a family peacefully divided and will surely have one confused little girl! Oh well! (fat grins here) By the way, I like Lucia, pronounced (Lu-SEE-a, with an accent on the i). :)

2nd) Ayisha is scheduled to be admitted to the epilepsy monitoring unit on April 7th, where she will undergo extensive testing. She'll be taken off of all medication in the hopes that she will have several seizures while under their care. This testing could last from 2-10 days. We will be having a time of prayer for her on April 5th at Cornerstone Church (6:00 p.m.) for anyone local that would like to join us.

3rd) I will depart for Ethiopia on April 25th to bring our baby home! I cannot travel any sooner due to processing and embassy schedules (and as it turns out, it is better this way anyway). We are delighted that my parents will be able to come and care for the girls while I am away. Now, if we could convince them to bring their adorable new puppy, Harriet, along!


As a "topping", Easter Sunday and Caleb's entrance into glory will be deeply remembered and commemorated the same day this year. It is my heart's desire that we not be within hospital walls by then. My eyes sting, just thinking about it, truthfully. Still, please pray that we would rejoice in the Lord and maybe taste of Him, our hope, not only despite our circumstance but in it. May we remember well that even though we do have trouble in this world, He HAS overcome the world.