older or just dumber? (don't answer that)

Lest you imagine it is all poetry and deep thought around here, let me assure you -- I am just as shallow as the next gal, likely more so. Not a proud admission, but true. Sigh.

Story # 1

Thanks to my tea habit, which is not being given up anytime soon, I've noticed my teeth aren't pearly white these days. A girlfriend was coming to town several week-ends ago, and that Saturday morning I thought I'd pull out some whitener I had purchased last year, but had never used. The whitener, applied via little trays, was supposed to do the trick in a few hours. So I went about my business, noticing that my gums were burning a little. Then a lot. I ignored it (dumb, I know) until my mouth just felt all numb and weird. This all took probably 45 minutes or so. I took out the tray and, horrified, realized that my teeth weren't white, my GUMS were. White! Opaque. Panicking a little I remembered that once my mom's herbalist friend had said that the best thing for gums was cayenne pepper, organic of course. Supposedly, it pulled the blood or something and sped up healing. Frantic, I rubbed spoon fulls of cayenne all over my gums and teeth. My eyes smarted with the heat, my lips throbbed. I finally rinsed, half convinced that my quick wit had saved the day. Gummy smile in the mirror. No, now my gums were bright ORANGE! Rinse, swish, rinse swish...still orange. I'm talkin' UUUGLY. I called Steve, "Look at me," I said smiling casually. His eyes widened then narrowed, "What's wrong with your mouth?". "Oh, nothing I think I JUST KILLED MY GUMS FOREVER!!!" To which my dear husband bit his lip, hard. For about one whole second he contained himself while I gave him my growliest,"Don't you dare...I'm dead serious, Stephen. This is SERIOUS!" He was swaying now, no longer able to contain his ridiculous laughter. "What am I going to DO??!!!" I wailed. "I know! Colloidal silver!" Now he was howling. What, is he a hound?!! The gall! (Insert: In this household all wounds are treated with this stuff -- Steve insists it's my "Windex"). For the rest of the morning, friends, I spritzed that colloidal silver on those babies every few minutes. I practiced smiling gumless in the mirror. (Am I really admitting this?) I told Steve I wasn't leaving the house like this. "Ok, he smiled." "Oh, shut up", I said giving him my evil eye. "This is SO humiliating!". "U-huh", he sympathized. Right.

P.S. Just because I know you're dying of curiosity, my gums literally peeled (crazy!) then healed within a couple days. Lesson learned?

Story #2

When I was twenty I loved having birthdays because I was convinced that the older I got the more people would listen to my fount of wisdom! The fount ranneth over and over, I'm terribly afraid. Oh boy. Well anyway, almost two decades later, I'm not so thrilled. And I'm not so wise. And I've got wrinkles, friends --not beauty lines. Last week, I remembered that I once purchased a special wash cloth, a microdermabrasion cloth (see a pattern?). I hadn't really used it so I put it in the shower so that I would benefit from this facial miracle. It doesn't feel like much. It's smooth, not rough. I scrubbed my face with it. "Maybe I should rub a little harder", thought I. Once out of the shower, peering into the mirror, I noticed that my face was SO shiny. "WOW! That thing really works. Huh!". A little later I noticed that my face was a bit red where I "scrubbed". Seemed pretty harmless. But by the end of the day, you'd have asked me, had you run into me, if I'd vacationed somewhere beachy -- and forgotten my sunblock. The next morning my pink face was flaking -- peeling off! Make up didn't help (it only looked like the creeping rot). What in the world is going on around here?! Really now , women, do all sorts of things to themselves! All I do is try to whiten my teeth and scrub my face a little! We're not talking surgeries, botox, or days at the spa! I give up! At least until the next time.